What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 10:44
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So whats the point in blame.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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Comes on , in middle age.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She wouldn,t have been !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We were not on the streets..
But, we were locked up after school.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Especially a lifetime of it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My life is so biszare .
Put me off passion for life!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He knew the spot.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My family never makes their pension either.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I write beautiful poetry .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was seconnd youngest,
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
It was going to be , some day.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I never cut or harmed myself..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
What did i know ?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I think the readers, may guess!
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I have no regrets .
I couldn’t, believe it.
And i lived it daily.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
This is soul school!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was very sick at this time too.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
All the time i was locked up.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Would this be the day?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Who then, do I blame.?
Im still living with it.
She was in good health!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One cannot live in the past .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She loved him until the end.
I don,t even have a pension.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I waited trembling.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So, i spoilt her more .
We all went to grammer schools
I said to her
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She married twice! .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He resisted the act ,that day.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But it wasn’t much.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Ive learnt so much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She found it foreign!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was scared of men, in general
I was 9 years of age.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
(And it was in our own minds.)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I will be 64.
But ive been too sick for many years..